Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.
-St. Francis de Sales
I used to read this quote and think that wasn't a big issue for me. I know my limitations. I know who and what I will never be.
Like, you know, I will never be in a career that involves math.
But when I read this quote today I looked at it from another angle. Because what I am is not what I used to be.
And I like who I used to be. So it's a bit hard not to wish for that back.
I'm not talking about things like going outside or singing at church or attending events or running around a track. I'm not talking about the big, obvious things. It's the little things.
The ways I used to be there for people even after I was homebound. The way I used to keep my inbox at zero and get back to people in a timely manner. The way I used to drop people notes in the mail for no reason and check in on people through Facebook and spend evenings talking with friends on Twitter. Checking in. Making sure everyone was well and knew they were thought of and cared about.
The little things that require energy and stamina and the tiniest bit of health.
Those things, the energy things, are not who I am anymore. And it's frustrating me because I'm still trying to do them and not doing them perfectly.
One way I've tried to hold onto that version of me is to show up here every day. To not worry you guys when I go missing. I don't lie and say I'm well, but I certainly do my best to try to appear as strong as I can be. I like the me I used to be who never struggled to sit up and type, who painted canvases to raffle off to you all and who doodled little freebies every week. I used to be the girl who created no matter what.
And while creating still gives me joy, it's not helping my health situation. And that means I'm not being perfectly who I am.
Because the truth is that my health has been on a downhill slide. Infections that used to clear up after a couple rounds of antibiotics are now getting worse instead of better after weeks of treatment. And breathing actually requires concentration. And exhaustion hits in ways that means more than being crazy tired. Exhaustion means my brain screams at my arms to move and nothing happens. There's just no energy there.
I'm not good at admitting that. But I'm admitting it anyway. Because I need to be a little kinder to myself.
I'm going to start by giving myself a break on Thursdays… because I'm finding by that point in the week I'm pretty spent. Don't worry… I'm still going to blog incessantly all the other days. I'm just going to see how it feels to give myself permission to not have to sit up and create one day of the week. And if I randomly doodle something I think you'll like, I'll just give it away on a different day. :)
But that means we're done with YOU:create on here, and I have LOVED the way some of you have started to bring creativity back in your lives. So I hope you keep creating on your own… taking that time that fills the space inside you where you find who you truly are.
I'm finding who I truly am, too. And trying to be perfectly me. In the here and now. Whether I like it or not. :)