Ok, just typing that title is cracking me up. Because I seriously could not be more sarcastic if I tried, and I can’t pull off that kind of statement with a straight face. But the truth is, I can never pull off anything with a straight face. I am hands-down the world’s worst liar. The harder I try to pull off a prank the more obvious it is on my face. It’s definitely not a talent of mine.
Even if it’s not about trying to lie or fool someone, my expression will show every emotion that crosses my mind. When I used to sing at St. Stephen’s there was no covering up if I hit a wrong note or messed up a song. Even if I recovered and no one would have noticed, I would still get this huge smile on my face and shake my head back and forth as if to say to the congregation, “Oh, for heaven’s sake… so sorry you had to hear that.” Which usually elicited a lot of smiles and laughs back. My only version of cool under pressure is to laugh at myself. And then be relieved when others laugh with me [hopefully] instead of at me.
Which reminds me of a time when we were in college, and my friend Susie’s boyfriend [now husband] Mark was in the academy to become a state trooper. I always made fun of him because I thought he had a total cop attitude [which he does]. He’d get this look on his face and do what I called his “cop walk” that had a mixture of superiority, intimidation and cockiness all wrapped into one. He was very good at it and could be extremely intimidating even when you knew you hadn’t done anything wrong.
I, having the mouth on me that I do, was trying to take him down a peg or two and act like I was just as tough and cocky as him. My problem is that I can talk smack but have nothing to back it up. To try and help me out, he decided he would teach me the cop walk… from the attitude to the expression to the perfect cocky canter.
People, I could not be a cop. But apparently I could have been a physical comedian because he is still laughing about it. Which means I’m no good at lying OR intimidation. There goes my fantasy of being Sydney Bristow.
But where I fail miserably in the qualities of a super spy, or even a good prankster, I make up for with weather predictions. Yes, that is what I was originally talking about with that post title. I know, it took me a long time to get back here, but I usually get to my point eventually.
And the point is, I had a three-day migraine over the weekend … the kind where I can have no noise as I lay in the dark and fantasize about new ways to remove my head from my body. Susie wondered why it was so bad because, while we had rain two of those days, it wasn’t a bad storm and there wasn’t a huge drop in the temperature. There were no storms predicted, so we just figured my radar was off and the migraine was from the joints in my neck.
Imagine our surprise when a completely unexpected and unpredicted blizzard hit on Monday. High winds, snow, freezing temperatures. Schools let out early, people said the visibility was so bad they weren't able to see if their car was still on the road while driving. Interstates were closed and I saw a report of a 40 car pile up. No one had any warning because no one saw it coming.
People, I saw it coming.
Which is EXACTLY why people should listen to me more. I could have told everyone to stay home if only the meteorologists would have consulted me. Let’s face it, people. My illness could save your life.