I should probably know better than to step on a soapbox when I feel as lousy as I do. But this always seems to happen when I'm feeling this vulnerable, and that makes me think it's exactly the time to speak a few words.
I want these words written somewhere so I can just direct people to it, rather than repeat myself at a time when my energy is low.
It happened when Cushing's was at its worst. It happened after my first post explaining my circumstances over at (in)courage. It happens nearly every time I admit that my body is sicker, whether with infection or added pain or vicious reactions.
People start with the emails telling me about their God vs. mine.
And it makes me sad.
Because I don't believe God ever wants to be used as a weapon.
I get emails telling me that:
"MY GOD wants you to be healed. You simply need to believe and let Him."
"If you believed in MY GOD, then you would have the faith required to be well in His eyes."
"MY GOD wants the best for His people. Not what you are living in now. Email me. I will help you to believe in MY GOD who delivers His people."
Here's what I want to say. There is only one God. And He is not mine. On the contrary, I am His. I go to Him with my wants and needs and dreams and desires, and then I surrender. Because I am His to do with whatever He sees fit. I will ask for no conditions on my life. I will only ask that He helps me open my eyes so I don't miss the purpose He has for me.
It's that simple.
Do I like the way I feel right now? No. Do I enjoy how my life has progressed? No. Would I tell God that He's wrong? No.
The other line in a recent email said, "MY GOD can make you whole."
I would like to believe that in God's eyes, I am whole. It's our human eyes that have the problem.
And I trust Him enough to believe His vision is perfect.
*stepping off the soapbox now*