Celebrating Life

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let July 14th go by without republishing this, or posting something similar to it. Six years ago today, an amazing little girl completed her life on this earth. Kaitlyn fought a brain tumor for three years, and after eleven years of bringing joy and orneriness and spunk and love to the world, she went home.

Her life and her death changed my life completely. She opened my heart with her smile, she showed me what courage really means, she brought me to her family – who became my family – and allowed me the honor of being a part of celebrating her life, even through her death.

And the only way I know how to make sure she still has that amazing impact on people is to share her with all of you… so the following is what I wrote about her last year. I’d love it if you’d take a moment to read it again today… read it and celebrate with me the life of a great kid who left an imprint on this world that can never be erased.

And smile extra today for her…

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An Angel Smiling
[originally posted July, 2008]

This is the image I can't get out of my head this week.

Five years ago this past Monday a gorgeous, fun, spirited and happy 11-year-old girl passed away from cancer. Kaitlyn is the oldest daughter of my friends Nick and Kelly, and big sister to their daughter Megan... and this smiley face is the symbol of her life.

I don't know how to explain it when I tell you that such a sad time is one of the most treasured times of my life. So often we experience a death in our lives and want to run away from it; leave it behind so sadness doesn't follow us. But that's not how it was in this case. Heartbreaking, yes. Sad, terribly. But in her struggle with cancer and even in her death, Kaitlyn taught all of us about living more than anyone seven times her age could hope to.

Megan asked me out of the blue a few years ago when it was that I became their friend... and this is one of those rare times I can't pinpoint the moment. Kelly and I became close friends in that year before Kate died, but I really think the week of her death and wake and funeral turned us into family. The kind of friendship where, whether they realized it or not, they were going to be stuck with me for life. But Kaitlyn had that effect on people ... the ability to bring them together. This little girl who put up the fight of her life, who never lost her spunk and looked out for other little kids in the cancer wing, brought a whole world of people together as they all fought along with her.

And she did it all while smiling.

I'm sure her mom could tell of many times when orneriness was more prevalent than a grin, but only a cool and happy kid would want to rock out to Bon Jovi's It's My Life on her way to Mayo for treatments. Or know all the words to Barenaked Ladies If I Had A Million Dollars. They had fun as a family and it's obvious in every photo you see of her with extended family that they loved each other beyond words.

I had the privilege, along with so many others, to be there with their family at Hospice when Kate died. At different times that day the room was filled with people who loved her... her young friends holding her hand... people gathering around her to pray for her or remind her of stories. And even when crying and reminiscing, there was always a touch of laughter. Because she brought that out in people. Even before she was gone it was obvious we would never think of her without eventually turning to a smile.

I know so much of that week was a blur for her parents, but pretty much every moment of it is seared in my memory. And this week, five years later, I can't help but stop each day and remember where I was. Yesterday, Thursday, was her wake service and today was her funeral. In the days between when she died and the services their house was a revolving door of people, and because their friend Joe and I were singing at the services there was a lot of planning to be done and decisions to be made. And I am so grateful that I got to be a part of it. I didn't know how to make it better for her family, because there is no way to make it better. But we did make it a celebration.

Nick walked into her wake service with a big smiley face balloon, and spoke so eloquently of their girl. He captured her spirit and her joys and her young wisdom that touched everyone. The wake and funeral were beautiful, and at the cemetery there was a warm wind that encircled everyone and made it impossible not to feel the spirit that was there. The sky filled with colorful balloons that were released in her honor, and that night as we all gathered at their home no one wanted to leave. It was like if we stayed long enough, if we didn't let the week come to an end, we wouldn't have to really say goodbye.

But we did leave, and five years later Kate's spirit is just as present as it ever was. And when we talk about her she brings us together as much as she ever did. She lived 11 years on this earth, and that kid truly lived her whole life. She touched people and left a mark. She accomplished what we all are trying to do... she laughed and she loved and she caused trouble and taught lessons. She really lived her life.

And she did it all while smiling.

Oh, That Dog . . .

Now, I know you’re all going to laugh at me for this… because it’s a well-known fact that I may have the most pampered, loved and spoiled dog in existence. But I feel this nagging guilt about the fact that he doesn’t actually get to be a dog.

You know, he doesn’t get to go on walks and pee on the grass and romp with other dogs. He’s got all this pent-up energy that can’t be run off in the confines of my little condo, which regrettably results in his insatiable desire to mark in the kitchen. Then there’s the fact he’s so hyper-sensitive to my not feeling well that he, instead of me, is on anti-depressants.

As is evidenced in the above photo, he has so morphed into thinking he’s human that he often sits up on the couch like this, mimicking the stature of the rest of us [while demanding belly rubs, of course].

Yep, I’m always trying to think of ways to make him happier as a dog.

I discovered early-on in Riley’s puppyhood that he is what they call an “aggressive chewer.” It wasn’t hard to figure out when I came home one day to discover he’d chewed a 2-inch deep hole in my wall. Not the corner, mind you, where he could get a good angle on it. No… he took his front teeth and gnawed right through the flat drywall.

And then I learned how to spackle.

I tried giving him rawhide bones, only to find out they were too easy for him to chew apart. He would swallow such large chunks of them that he would end up making himself sick. Which required my clean up. Which put an end to the rawhide bones.

Recently, however, I read that compressed rawhide bones were made especially for aggressive chewers… that they couldn’t swallow big pieces and were great to gnaw on and get out that extra pent-up energy. So I ordered them and we gave them a try.

Oh, was Riley a happy dog.

That bone was chewed on front, back and sideways.

He worked and worked until he whittled it down to tiny little pieces.

And then I found out my dog actually has dog instincts! He took those tiny little leftover pieces and dug at my furniture like he was digging a dirt hole in the backyard trying to reach China. He’d root in the crevices of pillows and couch cushions and bury his little bone pieces like they were treasures to be cherished.

And then he would come running over to me, whining for me to follow him, until I would get up and he’d show me his handiwork. Then he’d promptly pounce on his treasure and re-hide them somewhere else… after realizing he’d let his secret hiding place slip.

To say it was entertaining would be an understatement.

Now, still being more human than dog… and after almost six years of training me into submission… he decided to finish this little game by bringing me the small pieces to hold for him while he chewed on each and every last bit of them. They were too small for him to grip in his paws, so he’d lay them in my hands and wait for me to hold them for him … content to chew away.

This past Wednesday I made the mistake of not paying attention while holding onto the small piece of bone. And when my aggressive chewer bit down into the rawhide to rip it apart, he instead ripped apart my thumb.

Ouch.

He chomped down and his tooth went all the way through my thumbnail, cracked the nail upward and sideways, and punctured so deep into my thumb that the pressure split a hole all the way at the top, meaty part of thumb as well.

It hurt. And OH MY WORD did it bleed.

And it was at that point I realized how absolutely abnormal my life has become when I didn’t even yell, cry, wince or react. I simply pulled my thumb from his mouth [said a swear word I won’t mention here… uttered more incredulously than dramatically] and started cleaning it up. My mom happened to call shortly afterward and she held her breath as I started the conversation with, “You will not believe what I just did…”

It took me a day to decide if I should laugh or cry on top of everything else that’s happening right now… and decided I would just call it an added insult to injury. :) But in the grand scheme of things it isn’t really anything more than a nuisance. It’s clear every time I try to use my thumb to hit the space bar, however, that the universe is really trying to teach me patience!

But at least I can say … it’s never boring around here. 

Yes, peeps. This is the innocent face that punctured a hole in my thumb.

Considering he is faithfully by my side 24/7 with that endearing look, it took all of 3.2 seconds to forgive him.

But not even this look is going to get me to hold a bone for him ever again. I may be a well-trained pushover, people, but I’m not stupid…

Black Hawk

Before the great couch-switch of 2009, I had some other fun company and household additions as well.

Do you remember when I told you the story of almost forgetting to get my license renewed last year? About how I was in too much pain to drive myself to the DMV, but then totally lied my head off about how disabled I was as I walked in with crutches, for fear they’d make me take a driving test? No? Well you can read about it here. It was also in that post that I acknowledged it was time to sell my car and move on from that part of my life.

And since my nephew Thomas is turning 16 today, they came a few weekends ago to pick up my car for him.

This is my sister Laura with the new driver… aren’t they cute? I can’t even tell you how much I love that family. This picture is also inadvertent proof that I answered this question honestly in my Facebook Interview: If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook? a takeout menu.

[What would I do without Applebee’s Carside-to-Go? At least I made sure they had a car to go fetch it in…]

I sent the camera outside with my sister to take a few shots for me. Here’s my brother-in-law, Jeff, doing his best to act like he knows what he’s looking at. [Just kidding, Jeff!]

And Thomas, just looking cool. The car suits him, don’t you think?

He was trying to decide what to name the car [wonder where he gets that from… naming inanimate objects… *cough* George *cough*] when he noticed the county on my license plate is “Black Hawk” and thought it fit perfectly. Pretty creative, isn’t he?

I also greatly benefitted from their trip to see me… of course the best part was just seeing their faces… but the second best part was that Jeff installed ceiling fans in my red room, piano room and bedroom.

They are FANTASTIC.

Not to mention pretty.

I’ve always had a problem with the uneven airflow through the condo, with the back rooms staying hot in the summer and getting so cold in the winter that ice has actually formed on the inside of my walls. But that isn’t going to be a problem anymore…

The main reason I wanted the fans, however, is because of the whole I-haven’t-been-able-to-breathe-thing. There’s nothing better when you’re short of breath than putting these fans on high and enjoying the wind tunnel they create.

Heaven, people. Pure heaven.

And did I mention they’re pretty, too?

12:34:56 7/8/09

Did you all know about this?

It’s totally random, I know… but I thought it was interesting that today is the only day when all the numbers would line up in order from 1 through 9, at 12:34:56 on 7/8/09.

And because I can’t sleep anyway, I thought I’d record it for you so you wouldn’t miss it:

You’re welcome.

I’m obviously running on empty here… so if you could cut me some slack for being heavily medicated and pretend this was interesting, that would be great!

[I’m working on getting a real post up for you on Thursday… you know, one that includes more words rather than numbers…]

:)

Before and After

My friend Kelly and I have a running joke that I should never say, “That’s my plan.” It gets me in trouble all the time. I’ll look at a situation, find the best possible scenario and make it my plan… and then it all inevitably goes to hell in a hand basket. So now we think about the best possible scenario and decide that it sure would be nice, but declare emphatically that I’m totally not planning on it.

Because if it’s a plan… it’s not happening.

After my whole episode of waking up in the kind of pain that made it so I couldn’t walk, I really believed I had been through the worst of it. I made the mistake of having a plan somewhere in the deepest recesses of my brain of how this latest setback was going to right itself, and was positive I’d be on an upswing in no time.

I’m sure you can guess how that’s been turning out.

This past weekend went swiftly to the aforementioned hell in a hand basket, and I think it’s safe to say Saturday was one of my worst days ever. I won’t bore you with the details, but I will say I have no doubt now this is going to be a long road of getting back to my normal self. Or, at the very least, establishing a new normal for myself. Patience and fortitude are going to be my new mantra.

In the midst of all this, I sat here thinking about how grateful I am to have started this blog last year. I really just wanted to see if I still had it in me to write, but now I think it actually took off like it did – and all of you found me here – because I would need this to keep me going in times like these. I would need it to keep me mentally motivated and participating, even when I physically can’t, and even if it is at a different pace.

So, this sporadic schedule of posting is probably going to go on for quite awhile because I’m not making any plans [even in the quiet thoughts of my own head] as to how these next several months are going to go. I know the road I’m on, but I’m still trying to figure out how the heck to walk down it. So I’m going to deal with what comes as it comes, and I’m going to come here to what feels like my reprieve as much as I can to talk to you all. And tell you some stories. And answer questions. And keep myself connected to the outside world. And make sure you don’t forget this nose:

Because really, who could live without that nose?

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And it’s good to remember that in the midst of all of life’s insanity there’s always good stuff, too.

Like the fact that Mom and Dad came for a visit on Friday afternoon, and I put them to work with some heavy lifting. Part of me wanted the couches moved around because of the “different decorating” philosophy I talked about in my last post, but mostly it was because I discovered my flowered couch was a lot more comfortable for me right now. It has one long seat cushion, is more firm and has higher arms to lean against… all of which makes it easier for me to get up and down and is more comfortable for my ribs when I’m sitting up. You’d think cushiony would be better, but I’ve learned it’s not so great to “sink into” furniture.

But I digress… the point here is that I took before and after photos per your request! I have to tell you, it feels like I got all new furniture because the switch makes my house look so different.

Here’s my red room before:

And the red room after:

Riley wasted no time testing out his new couch position:
“Seriously, woman… all this decorating is getting out of hand… will you just leave well enough alone already?”

Here’s the piano room before:

And the piano room after:

And here’s a shot just so it makes sense why I call it the piano room:

I now think I’m officially done redecorating/rearranging, which is probably a good thing. I actually had the thought pass through my mind to paint over my wall of doodles when I get stronger and change that up, but I think I would totally regret that impulse. Best I quit while I’m ahead and just enjoy the comfort of my “new” couch, don’t you think?!?!?

“Change one more thing and I swear I’m leaving you…”

Yep. Riley agrees.

Brought to You by the Letter “D”

Oh man, this was the perfect letter for this week! You won’t believe how easy it was to choose one of your suggestions to work on for the A 2 Z installment … Decorating.

Yes, I know you’re all scratching your heads. I’m barely functioning for a month now and somehow decorating fits perfectly into my life in the midst of it all? Well, you have your ways of coping… and apparently I have decorating.

The first week or so after I had my outing was a rollercoaster. Well, it’s still a rollercoaster, but I’m at least getting used to it being that way now. The first week I was so weak and tired, but the first few doses of steroids made me so fidgety, antsy and unsettled – which is a weird combination. Couple it with the fact that I was looking around my house and realizing I was going to be looking at the exact. same. thing. every. day. forever… and you have a girl who might have been going a little stir crazy.

Stir crazy, but without the ability or energy or air to do anything about it. Not that I let that stop me or anything.

I’m someone who likes to fix things, so when life is completely unfixable I tend to look to something that can be done. I need to give myself the power to accomplish something regardless if it’s important or necessary, simply because doing is better than stewing. [That was totally an accidental rhyme, for the record.]

On one particular day, every time I had to get up off the couch to fetch something or go to the bathroom I would take decorations off my end tables and furniture, set them on George and wheel them into my main living room where I would set the decorations in the middle of the floor. It took all day, but by the time I went to bed that night all the decorations from my piano room, bedroom and red room were in a pile – and my rooms were bare.

I kind of enjoyed it for a minute because apparently, when you can’t breathe very well, having things looking cluttered makes you feel claustrophobic. Mostly, it was just good for my sanity to feel like I was somehow starting fresh.

Which is what I did the next day.

I did the same process, only in reverse. Every time I got up I would wheel George to the stockpile and try to make sure that I put decorations in different rooms than they originally came from… you should so try it sometime. It’s amazing how you don’t appreciate things that you pass by all the time, but see them in a totally different way when moved around. The “re-decorating” part took a couple of days, partially because I was getting more tired as the days went on and partially because I tend to futz about when decorating. I’m still moving little things here and there, probably more for distraction than actual aesthetics, but that’s ok with me.

Mom and Dad are going to be coming for the day on Friday and I think I might even have them switch my couches from one room to another. Not because I think they’ll look better, but because it will look Different. And right now, making things look different is making me sane.

Different Decorating.

It’s the latest in coping mechanisms… I’m sure professionals will be recommending it in no time.

Ok, people… throw me some “E” suggestions for next week in the comment section. And before we go, Riley and his cute shirt that my friend Leslie gave him would like to wish you a Happy Fourth of July!!!!

Don’t forget to “Paws for Independence!”

Facebook Interview

Hey there, peeps…

Just wanted to check in with you all… I can’t even tell you how I felt when I sat at the computer and read all of your comments this week. It’s absolutely ridiculous how lucky I am to be surrounded by such kind and loving people. So many of you talked about how you feel like we’re friends even though we’ll never meet, and I have to tell you I know exactly how you feel. It’s not always easy for me to tell people about it when things are rough, but I have such a real sense of friendship with all of you that it just didn’t feel right not letting you in this part of my life as well.

I wrote about it for you, but in the end I’m the one who was given so much by your comments. You all help me more than you know. So thank you for that.

Ok, onto today’s post…

I still haven’t written anything new, so this totally makes me feel like I’m cheating on a college paper or something… but here for your reading pleasure is a random questionnaire I took on Facebook when I first joined it a few months ago. I don’t normally do this kind of stuff on Facebook, but I’m kind of glad I did this one so I have something fresh to share with you. :)

Hope you enjoy some random facts, just for fun…

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Do you believe a good life is attainable? Or is it something that is out of our control, i.e. subject to luck etc.
totally attainable, if you choose to love the life you have

Beach or mountain?
beach

Left-handed or right-handed?
right

Close your eyes for a moment, who pops into your head?
Nicole and the twins [I keep forgetting to ask her if it’s ok to show them on the blog or not… people, they are SO CUTE.]

Do you say "I love you" in the relationship?
if I love the person then I say it all the time

Aliens have landed and selected you to visit their home planet. Do you go with them?
sure

Describe your perfect Sunday morning?
I loved my old routine of singing at church and then eating at Panera with my friend Kelly and her family

If you could be successful at any job in the world, what would that job be?
writer

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
my impulse is to say Hawaii [even though I’ve never been there], but anywhere by a lake would be good

If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be?
Riley, then I could figure out why he pees in the kitchen

If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook?
a takeout menu

What makes you cry?
not a lot. I usually only cry if I'm exhausted

What makes you laugh?
my friend Susie… she doesn’t think she’s funny, but she is

If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be?
scared

If you won the lottery, how would you spend your millions?
I'd build a condo that had tons of windows and a skylight so I could feel like I was outside. Then it would be all about setting up trusts for nieces/nephews and charity

If you could travel back in time, what mistake(s) would you want to correct?
some incredibly bad hairstyles

Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full?
half full

Who was your hero as a child?
bionic woman [I wrote about my obsession here]

What do you do for fun?
be with friends. laugh. drink. eat. tell stories. laugh some more.

Are you an outdoor or an indoor person?
I want to be an outdoor person but am obviously meant to be an indoor person

If you had only six months to live, what would you do first?
start asking people to come visit

What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you?
gives her all [at least I hope she’d say that]

Where do you see yourself in five years?
I don’t have a clue

What are you most proud of in your life?
I'm most proud of the people in my life

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
YES... Riley the wonder dog [he kind of owns me, really]

Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
no, but I'd like one

When do you plan on getting married?
never

Get the number or give the number?
give the number

How do you feel?
with my fingers [that’s totally my Dad’s favorite line]

What size shoes do you wear?
7.5 or 8

Water or 100% Juice?
water

Would you rather be hot or cold?
cold

Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
leg

Favorite Place to Eat?
anywhere that's not my house; probably Montage or Texas Roadhouse

Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
musical

Your favorite Disney Films?
is Mary Poppins or Annie a Disney movie?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
because it has no ability to reason and instinct led it there

Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
juice with cookies

Favorite fruit?
apple

Are you a cat or a dog person?
dog

Would you rather be blind or deaf?
deaf

Define yourself in 3 words...
encourager, friend, empathetic

What is your favorite TV show?
Alias. Best.Show.Ever.

Kill the spider or let it out?
kill it

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
spare change

Where do you want to travel next?
to my patio. and then to a friend's house.

What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out?
laugh hysterically [I answered this a few months ago, obviously]

What is your favorite food?
pork chops, mashed potatoes w/milk gravy and corn

Do you read Harry Potter books?
yep… kind of obsessed with them

What is your favorite place?
being at the lake

If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
the power to lose weight at will

Have you had a beer in the last week?
nope

Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
I haven't tried Vitamin Water, but I'm guessing I'd like it over Gatorade.

Flip flops or sandals?
sandals

What do you do on Fridays?
write a Flashback Friday blog :)

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Ok, just for fun why don’t you tell me at least one random/interesting thing about you in the comment section … that should keep us entertained for awhile.