The Bitter and The Sweet

You may have gathered, from the last two days of posts, that I enjoyed having my company here for Christmas. :) Having the Hayward's here and then missing them was, like so many things in life tend to be, bittersweet.

But the bittersweet began earlier in the week for me, as my doctors made the decision to add another narcotic to my regimen for pain relief. It was a patch I would wear all of the time that released a medication into my system, which I would take along with the pain meds I am already on. I was nervous about starting it before company came, but I also knew that if it was going to be helpful, it would make my time with friends and company so much easier.

So I gave it a try.

And it helped. A lot.

While the acute pain was still there, I found myself not jolting in pain so much. My body relaxed a little bit. Despite being on more narcotics, I found my mind clearer, found it easier to carry on conversation. My movements were as limited, but they were easier. I had to think about it less.

The pain reduction itself was subtle to me, but the ramifications... good ramifications of things I was able to do more easily... were amazing.

The medication was able to be in my system almost 24 hours before I started reacting to it, which means I had the majority of one waking day with some relief. I know that should be the most sweet part, but it's not. The sweetness came because it happened to be the day my brother stopped through on his way home for Christmas. The sweetness is in the fact that on that one afternoon, I got to sit up – not in bed – and have a conversation with his family. My niece Avery and nephew Cooper got to see me feeling stronger than they had in a long time.

And I got to enjoy them.

I can see the difference in me in the photos. The Shan Clan came that night and in our first pictures you can see the pain relief in me, too. And you can see the change later on. That night I started with the reaction and was throwing up the next two days. That's the bitter part... where I got a glimpse of what could be if my body would only tolerate the medication.

It wouldn't be a change in my life circumstance or my lifestyle, but it would be a change in my comfort. And I grabbed that for a moment and then lost it. But I am so grateful I got to have my moment with my brother and his family. I'm grateful Shannon got to see me well even if that moment was only an hour long. It doesn't erase the bitter, but I won't let the bitter erase the sweet, either.

And man, was it was sweet.

Gitz Bits 2010: Week 51

Monday, December 20, 2010

I honestly couldn't think of a more fitting photo to represent Monday than one of my Vicodin bottles. Because that's the day I started physical therapy.

Oh. My. Word.

Guess what I'm able to do in physical therapy? Pretty much nothing. My great therapist, Ted, was so nice. And patient. Because every time he'd say something like, "Let's try and move this joint." I'd say something like, "Oh, I can totally do that."

And then I totally couldn't. I learned in physical therapy that I'm delusional.

So I tried to move a few joints, and then we decided my PT for the day would be to try and straighten my leg a little and move my ankle.

I'm a rock star. :)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

How awesome is this? I'm putting it on the blog because:

1. It's cool.

2. I have no idea who gave this to me. So if you did, please come forward so I can say a huge thank you!

It came addressed to me in a Blessings Unlimited box, but with no note. And I love it!!! I moved many of the pictures of kids I love from my fridge to this great wall hanging so I could put my overflow of Christmas card photos on the refrigerator. It has worked out so well and I love getting to see even more faces of people I love around my house.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

"Lady. We're resting today before company comes. That was the deal.
Now put down the camera and get back to snuggling."

Thursday, December 23, 2010

This picture just makes me let out a big sigh. That's how I feel when Shannon's family is here. Like I get to exhale for a minute.

I'm such a blessed girl.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Oh, Santa.

We were so excited for him to come to the condo. I mean, just look at Yodi's face of anticipation. My sister in law, Patience, dropped off some delicious sugar cookies when they stopped on their way home for Christmas, and we knew they were just the thing to leave by the fireplace for when Santa came by.

And we decided he really is magic because he made it in the condo, delivered presents, ate the cookie and left without Riley barking even once.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

I wish every single one of you could have the privilege of knowing these two people. Jason and Shannon somehow manage to be as beautiful in their souls as they are in their faces. They drive 17 hours one way just to come see me, knowing how slow my life is, content to sit in this little condo and do nothing but spend time simply soaking in life. Even when life includes me in pain, throwing up, needing rest, whatever. They just roll with it and make me feel like it's all just normal and ok.

There are just not words big enough to describe these two.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sunday was our last day together, and I think I held these two this close all day long. I'm so lucky they let me love them. It's a privilege.

Thanks for once again sharing my week with me! Click on the button below if you want to go to Jessica’s site and check out the other participants showing off their weekly photos as well:

A Little Christmas...

I'll tell you all about my Christmas with the Shan Clan and will share a video this week [yes, we did one!], but for now I thought I'd just give you a glimpse of a little Christmas here at the condo. {Please ignore my death-warmed-over-coloring. I ended up a bit sick this Christmas.}

In a nutshell, there was a lot of this...

and this...

and this...

and this...

And I miss them already.

Riley-dolf

For anyone new to the blog, I couldn't show you this year's Christmas card without making sure you had last year's card as a reference. Because if you felt bad for Riley and his plea to Santa in the Snuggie card of 2009...

You're totally going to feel his pain in his letter to Santa this year:

Poor Blog Dog.

Merry Christmas to you all...
Here's hoping your Christmas wishes didn't get handled by the reindeer.

 

Surrounded.

I've been trying really hard the last couple of weeks not to think about Dad and Christmas. I've been trying not to picture years past of being with him on the farm, or at the new house, or when he walked through the door here in the condo with his homemade hors d'oeuvres in hand.

I've been trying so hard not to think about the way he'd pat my cheek or touch under my chin with his hand and speak more with the gestures than he ever could with words. I been trying not to think of that smile or that laugh or those hands that so easily held mine.

He thrived among his family, when his kids and grandkids were around him. But he managed to thrive equally when it was just the three of us here in the condo, too. He took up so much space in this world ... space that contained love and laughter and meaning and depth.

I've been trying not to think of those things so I don't have to think of this year without it all. I've been trying to think instead of all the ways I'm going to fill up my space so it doesn't feel like he's missing.

But, try as I might, he is missing. There will still be that space of silence ... the kind of silence that screams loudly into the void where our world was all at once split open.

In the last five months I haven't been able to look at my world without him. I look at my mom's grief, I look at my siblings longing, and I can talk with them about our new reality. But if I look at my individual loss... what my life is missing... I can't take it. So I've learned to constantly look at the one who this is really all about.

I look at Dad.

Because the truth is, if I make this about me I am destroyed. If I make this about Dad I am rejoicing.

I can't even fathom the emotions Dad has in his new spiritual perspective of being surrounded in Christ, rather than his human perspective of knowing Christ. I can't fathom the joy of complete peace and understanding and acceptance into the arms of the most loving spirit unimaginable.

All I know is that I could not get through Christmas, through life, through this journey of death, if I didn't know a sweet little baby was born in a manger. I couldn't breathe every day if God wouldn't have sacrificed his Son, sent among the simple, just so my life could be redeemed.

Because that baby in that stable was our promise of the eternal.

I can rejoice this Christmas because it's about Jesus' love for us... and His gift of salvation and eternal life and a promise that one day – one day – I'll celebrate this amazing gift with my dad again. He can hold my hand and touch my chin and relay the emotions that words can't touch.

The emotion of being surrounded in Christ on Christmas day.

Smarty Party

Every year of high school, I got an invitation to the smarty party. Otherwise known as the National Honor Society. I don't even remember what the criteria was to be a part of it every year, but every year my grades were good enough to get invited to the party.

We'd all go into the gymnasium that was decorated and set up for a dinner, and we'd get our certificates and photos taken. The best part for me, to be honest, is that I got a new outfit every year to attend "in style." [I say that lightly considering it was the late 80s early 90s.] We wore strict uniforms at my school so having an excuse to go shopping was the highlight.

Yep. I was the girl who loved the smarty party for the clothes.

Later in life, that attitude shone brightest when I took a trip to visit an old boyfriend of mine who was attending Notre Dame. My friends Nicole, Heidi and I had a great adventure getting very lost on our way home, which you can read about and laugh at us by clicking here. But there was a very big lesson I learned about myself that weekend.

I learned that I am not smart enough to attend one of their beer parties let alone their university.

Seriously, people. We had gone to the Penn State/Notre Dame football game earlier in the day, and it seemed like a normal college. We drank, we cheered, we won in the final moments, rushed the field and tore down the goal posts. It was exciting. It was nuts. It was fun. It was college.

And then we went to what appeared to be a normal house party. There was used, beat up furniture, there were kegs in the corners, there was fun and laughter. I was great until people started talking.

About engineering.

And physics.

And the ramifications of political decisions.

Needless to say, I drank a lot and kept my mouth shut so as not to shame the good name of the University of Northern Iowa by admitting I was lost as soon as we handed over our money to get in the door.

But I'm glad I had that experience because now I know I'm not a dumb girl, but I also know what being smart is really all about. And because I know that, I have absolutely no shame in taking this moment to brag as any proud Auntie should by telling you all that

MY NIECE ANNA GOT HER LETTER OF
EARLY ACCEPTANCE INTO THE UNIVERSITY OF NOTRE DAME.

And while I can take no credit for her academic achievement, I can tell you all that she was invited to the ultimate smarty party and when she shows up well dressed in a new outfit, that part will totally be my influence.

I'm a smidge proud.

Gitz Bits 2010: Week 50

Monday, December 13, 2010

I mentioned on Twitter that it was so cold Riley needed his Snuggie, and my friends wanted proof. Some said he looks a little embarrassed in this photo.

It's true. He may have been. But he was also warm.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

And if you don't think he needed the warmth, then you need to look no further than the sheet of ice covering my bedroom window.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

This is what sleet and rain all mixed together looks like coming down. This might be the time someone wants to remind me why I think living in Iowa is such a grand thing. I ended up laying in bed all that night, watching the room spin, as my body tried to adjust to the weather front.

I'm thinking homebound in Hawaii sounds nice.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

But then I look out at this. This pretty, fluffy, catch the snowflake on your tongue kind of snow. And I have a million memories rush back from my childhood and I think about Christmas and then I don't think Iowa is so bad after all. Especially because the room had stopped spinning and I had stopped throwing up by the time I took this picture.

It changes a girl's perspective.

Friday, December 17, 2010

You know how it's really rude to give something to someone and then ask for it back?

Yeah. Me, too.

But I did it anyway.

When we rearranged my room this summer, I decided there was no space for me to put my little black fireplace, so I gave it to my friend Susie. Her boys loved sitting in front of it in the morning when it was cold outside.

But then I got ice on my window and put my dog in a Snuggie and totally made room for it in my bedroom. Cuz baby, it's cold outside.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Candy dropped by on Saturday with what I can only assume is manna from the heavens. Or pomegranate. Either way, where has this little nugget of yum been all my life?!?! She's just excited she snuck something healthy in my house and I ate it on purpose.

She's always telling me things are so healthy I'll feel it in my cells. My cells said nothing to me, but my taste buds said yum.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I think my secret is out. No way people are going to believe I have a green thumb with real geraniums anymore...

Thanks for once again sharing my week with me! Click on the button below if you want to go to Jessica’s site and check out the other participants showing off their weekly photos as well: