I'm Not Saying...

... that my dog is cuter than your dog.

But this picture totally says it for me. :)

I moved a little too slow today to get a real post ready, so you are getting a two-for-one special in tomorrow’s YOU:create.

It will answer some of your digital scrapbooking questions AND there may be another giveaway in it for you.

Riley knows what it is, but his lips are sealed.

Gitz Bits 2010: Week 32

Monday, August 9, 2010

We’ll just call this above photo an experiment gone wrong. :)

You may recall me telling you once or twice that Riley, much to my dismay, MARKS IN MY KITCHEN. And lately, I’m cleaning the carpet more than I’d like to be. While, admittedly, I’m the world’s worst at math, I can totally calculate that a stressed out Riley equals a marking Riley, which equals a frustrated me.

I have to admit, within all my frustration, is a big helping of guilt as well. See, since I haven’t been able to tolerate the outside air, I can’t have Riley out in it either. It gets in his fur, he gets next to me and my lungs enflame.

Which makes him the homebound dog of a homebound owner.

We had the bright idea that maybe if he could mark outside like a normal dog, he wouldn’t inside the house. So Jonboy took him around the yard for a stroll. During said stroll, Tyler kept exclaiming that he was peeing constantly. Which he was. The dog likes to mark.

Like, every single blade of grass.

But he also doesn’t like to be without me very long and pulled his way back to the door in short order. We brought him in and immediately saturated him in the hopes of cleaning him off before I reacted to the air in his fur, but that idea failed miserably. Within seconds of him walking through the door my voice was gone, I was taking Benadryl and using the inhaler.

Needless to say, that’s an experiment we won’t be doing again. Which means Riley is homebound permanently. And he would be able to blame it all on his mother in therapy if only he could talk. 

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I was on the phone with my friend Kelly on Tuesday night when she asked if the sky was dark outside my window. She said it looked light over here [she lives about 10 minutes away] but that it was eerily dark where she was.

I looked out the window and could see why... there was an absolute line where the storm clouds met the clear summer sky. It was the weirdest thing... the clouds moved so fast, when I first looked outside the line was above the garages right out my window, but by the time I grabbed the camera they were almost to this second set of garages.

It seriously was like watching the dementors move in over Hogwarts. [You have to be a Harry Potter fan to understand how creepy that is.]

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

And from the creepy storm clouds comes the summer rain.

This was taken at about 3:00 in the morning when the thunder was apparently directly over my roof as the rain knocked at my windows to make sure I was paying appropriate attention to it’s skill. :)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

This is the new background for Padma... my Nie Nie and Yodi remind me every day that laughing with abandon is as essential as breathing. Or at least it should be.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Now this... this is a sad sad photo. But I have been assured by many that my plants are not dead, the flowering blooms have just given up in the summer heat.

Despite all the rain providing plenty of saturation, the 110 degree heat index for the past few weeks was apparently more than any bloom could take. But I’m looking at it as a temporary hiccup in the future of my lovely garden.

And I’m glad my condo has stayed at a cool 67 degrees, because I personally don’t want to wilt. :)

Saturday, August 14, 2010

This is a photo of Mary and her daughter Annalyn. I met Mary through this blogging world, and she is also one of the regular contributors at (in)courage.

She was in Iowa this past weekend for the Iowa State Fair [it’s so crazy that I live in Iowa and have never been to it... apparently it’s a pretty big deal :)] and drove over to spend a few hours with me before heading back home. She had come once before when Alece was here, but this was my first time getting to meet Miss Annalyn. She was so entertaining and made quite the story out of some of Riley’s dog toys and the random decorations around my house.

You can tell they use their imagination a lot at their home, which was so fun to get to see. It took me back to a time when I could create an entire world under a weeping willow at the farm. It was nice to get lost with Mary and Annalyn for an afternoon in her little world, too.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

We’ll close with the sulking pup who, after a year and a half, finally got to go outside and pee on the grass.

And knows he won’t again.

We may need to up his antidepressants. :)

Thanks for once again sharing my week with me! Click on the button below if you want to go to Jessica’s site and check out the other participants showing off their weekly photos as well:

What Shark?

Have you guys seen this commercial?

Every time I see it, I think, “THAT’S what walking around after your dad dies feels like.”

Except, of course, there’s no handy lozenge.

Every single little moment of the day... regardless of what I’m doing, how I’m feeling or who I’m talking to... I have some version of dad. dad. dad. dad. dad. going through my head. I’m thinking of Dad when I wake up. I’m thinking of him when I think of Mom or one of my family members for the 783rd time that day, wondering how they are doing and feeling and coping.

I’m thinking of him when I see on the news that a farmer’s field has flooded, and I pick up the phone to call him and hear what he has to say about it. And I realize in that moment how much I called to tell him about, just because I loved listening to him talk about things that interested him. I didn’t care about hog futures, but I loved talking to him about them. I didn’t care about how he was going to manage to dry up and fill in the lagoon, but I loved listening to every detail and asking him questions just so I could listen to him explain it to me.

I’m thinking of him as football is starting to play on TV. I hear those familiar sounds and I can’t imagine how I’m going to hear those sounds again without tears coming to my eyes. I called him each week to make sure we were watching the same games that day, so when he called after a bad call or I called him after an amazing play we’d both be having the same reaction.

I’m thinking of him as Nie Nie asked me why I say, “Oh my word!” so much and, without thinking, I replied, “To make little girls like you ask questions.” The phrase he said to me so often in my life when he didn’t have the answer to one of my myriad of inquiries.

I’m thinking of him, hearing dad. dad. dad. dad. dad. in my thoughts, in the background of my every day life. And when life gets quiet, as it so often does here in the condo, the sound grows louder. The weight heavies on my chest, and I feel the loss of him as surely as I have felt the weight of him all through my life.

And I know someday I will wake up and see the sharks that have devoured my arm. I know someday the sound of his name won’t be so constant. Someday it might not feel as heavy.

But every day, whether loud or quiet, the word dad will always hold the same, undeniable weight. The same measure of care. The same impact of love.

And I am blessed because of it.

Flashback Friday: Let's Dance

I so wanted to be a dancer when I was little.

I believed I would be a dancer despite the fact I didn’t have anywhere to take lessons. I would use our big yard as my place to practice... as the place I could sing and dance and do gymnastics, all with the belief that someone who was someone would drive by on our blacktop road and discover me.

A girl has to dream - and people - I knew how to dream big.

I think I would have been considered a contemporary dancer [if I actually had skill enough to know what I was doing], but I really wanted to learn ballet. I would walk around the house with my toes curled under, walking on the knuckles, in order to practice ballet like I was in pointe shoes.

Seriously.

And I’m not talking about a few steps. I would walk around. I would do leaps and jumps and land on the knuckles of my toes in an attempt to pretend I was en’ pointe. It looked so impossibly ridiculous that my family would have me do jumps and land like that when company was over... so, apparently, if I couldn’t be in ballet I would’ve been a shoe in for a side show at the circus.

You may say it was crazy... I call it determined. :)

And I have to admit, even though I can barely walk behind a walker these days, there is still something in me that can picture myself on stage. I was watching the season finale of So You Think You Can Dance tonight [yay! Lauren won!] and I realized that some crazy remnant of my childhood still exists deep inside of me that believes I can do what they can do.

Let me clear this up. I’m not delusional. I know I can’t.

But that part of me that knew how to dream big still knows how to imagine.

When the Shan Clan was here a few weeks ago, I got to see real little dancers in action [you can see a video I previously posted of Nie Nie performing on stage last Christmas]. They have an actual dance studio in their home with wood floors and mirror-lined walls and a ballet bar... a room where they practice and create and are shaping their dreams into a reality. And you guys, they are amazing.

I didn’t have the space for them to leap here in the condo, but in a moment of energy [otherwise known as a sugar rush from the volcano cake] my little Yodi danced for me.

First, the pose...

then, a little flair...

and a quick little leap...

before the dramatic pause.

And I’ll leave you with the sweetest of reminders,
so you all remember to dream a few dreams of your own this weekend...

I can’t wait so see what she does next...

YOU:create ... Week 5

This week’s YOU:create is going to be all about giveaways.

And not just from me. :)

Did you know it is the ONE YEAR anniversary for (in)courage? If you’ve been around here very long you know I’m a monthly contributor to that blog, which is a division of Dayspring. I am one of the newest members of this phenomenal group of women who share their stories, their hearts, their fears and their joys... all because they want you to know that no matter where you are in life, you’re not alone.

And because (in)courage LOVES their readers, they are celebrating their one year anniversary by giving away stuff to YOU! For the next thirty days, they are having giveaways every. single. day.

Thirty. 3-0. Thirty days, thirty chances for free stuff. And people, knowing (in)courage and Dayspring like I do, it’s going to be stuff worth winning. You can click on the button below to get to the blog, and I’ll have the button on my sidebar for the next 30 days as well so you can come here and then head there for your chance to win. :)

Now, onto the thing I created to giveaway to YOU. :)

One of the accessories I’ve always liked using in my digital scrapbooking is doodle frames. I have some that I have purchased over the years, but decided to just doodle a few of my own for fun this week. Especially because I do scrapbooks for my godchildren, I find that making pages that are more whimsical sometimes better reflects their personality at certain ages.

These frames are ones that can be stretched, resized, recolored... whatever you want to fit the photos you’re working with. Sometimes I use them as an actual frame, sometimes I’ll put them inside the photo, and I also like to use them to section off areas of journaling.

The above frames are the ones that you can have for free if you want to play around with them... but you have to find your own cute kids to take photos of... Christian and Avery are all mine. :) I’ve put the frames in a .zip file you can download... just click on the button below and it will take you to the download page!

And if you all have requests for words, frames, or any kind of doodles, let me know. I’ll see what I can do! :)

I can’t wait to see what you guys came up with this week! Just click below and follow the instructions to link to your project. When it asks you to choose the web or a file for your thumbnail, choose web. Then it will take you to a list of the images on the page you are linking to and you’ll be able to choose a photo to represent your project.

Stop Looking and Start Acknowledging

Preface to this post:
I don’t really have a “process” for writing this blog. I just sit down the night before, write what is on my mind, and then publish it at 12:01 AM. I’m not one of those efficient bloggers who sits down on a Sunday night and gets organized for the week... as Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, “I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl.”

Except this one time a little over a month ago. It was July 7th, and I was reading through comments for a post I had written. One of the comments asked what they should do when God was silent, when they couldn’t hear Him, when it seemed like He had checked out. It was from a friend of mine and I sat down right then and wrote out a whole blog post on the subject and then emailed it to her. I didn’t want to wait because I felt like she needed an answer and I didn’t want to leave her hanging.

So this one time, I happened to have a post ready early and didn’t need it for the next day. Thinking I was all “on the ball” for once, I scheduled it ahead for the following Wednesday.

And then I patted myself on the back for being all efficient.

And then two days later my dad died.

And then that next Wednesday, the day of his funeral, I woke up to this random blog post that I barely remembered writing published on my blog.

And then I had a total meltdown.

Reasonable or not, I felt like I had totally dishonored Dad. I sobbed in bed as I looked at this ridiculous post about God being silent on a day when He was anything but. On a day that I wanted to be solely about my amazing Dad and his honorable life. It broke my heart. I know, not logical, but true nonetheless.

But it’s still a good message and I didn’t want it to go to waste. Alece pulled it for me that day, and I’m hoping today is a day where maybe one of you needs to read these words.

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the more you search for something, the further away it gets?

Sometimes, with the best of intentions, we go to God looking for answers... for direction... for guidance... and we get...

nothing.

We get silence. We can be quiet. We can listen. We can be silent while screaming inside at the top of our lungs, “WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!”

We’ve done all we are supposed to do. We followed all the rules and done our praying and sat in our silence and yet we get... nothing. We can’t find Him.

For me, the answer is to stop looking. And start acknowledging.

I think we get in our minds that God has gone somewhere. That He has fallen silent and we need to search for Him and find Him. But really, I don’t think either of those things are usually true. We are just waiting for Him on our terms instead of His. We want the control. We want answers, direction, resolution. We want the warm and fuzzy feeling that we think faith should provide us.

We believe, and we think that if we follow the rules of praying that we will then get the answers in our time and in our way. We want to know what He knows, and we wait to hear the definitive word so we can step forward in His good grace. And when He is silent, we think we’ve missed something. And we once again think we need to find Him.

Do you notice the control theme in there?

We want. We look. We expect.

A few years ago I had one of those “Aha” moments when I was driving home from a bad doctor appointment. One where I was once again told bad news. I once again had pneumonia. I was once again going into the hospital. I was once again getting worse. I was so tired of the constant barrage of illness, of feeling so alone, of seeing nothing good down the long and narrow road that was my future. I was tired and crying and in the middle of it all my eyes were taking in the warm sun and the green grass when my thoughts went to, “My God, you made the most beautiful day.”

And then I thought I had gone crazy.

How could I be so sad and alone... feeling He was nowhere near me and silent... and have that one thought turn me on a dime.

And it was then I realized:

I don’t need to find God. I just need to acknowledge Him.

I thought He was silent because He wasn’t giving me the answers I was looking for. He wasn’t speaking to what I wanted Him to speak to. I was putting in my quarters and He wasn’t being the vending machine I had come to expect Him to be. I knew what I needed and what I wanted and He wasn’t providing.

He wasn’t under my control.

But He hadn’t gone anywhere. I was the one who had moved. I moved from a place of being a servant to a place of wanting Him to serve me on my time and in my way. In that moment I stopped trying to find Him... find the creator of the Universe who I thought had somehow disappeared, because he was EVERYWHERE. I was just looking for what I wanted instead of what He was offering.

I stopped looking for Him and started acknowledging Him.

I stopped waiting for my answers and started walking forward in faith. Instead of waiting for Him to give me what I needed ahead of time, I started trusting that He would give me what I needed when I needed it.

I didn’t pack my bag before the trip... I started walking down the road and trusted that He would provide as I went along. I just needed to keep acknowledging Him along the path.

I acknowledged that He didn’t have to speak to be heard. I needed to start listening with something other than my ears. I needed to let go of the idea that walking in step with God meant that I would always feel good and content in my decisions. That I would hear what needed to be done before I took the first step to make it happen.

I acknowledged that walking in faith is hard and scary, and that’s ok.

Because hard and scary is His specialty.

I just have to trust Him.

Gitz Bits: Week 31

Monday, August 2, 2010

I have a slight obsession with certain television shows.

Ok, slight is an understatement.

Susie was over here on Friday night when a certain football team on Friday Night Lights beat their hometown rival, and in the excitement I punched her so hard in the arm that I hurt myself... at which point she declared me not so much obsessed as insane.

I call it loyal. Whatever.

Anyway, another television show that I love is called Lie to Me [Monday nights on FOX]. And apparently it’s not only a well written and well cast series, it also has a very well decorated set. Take careful note of the above photo I took of the television screen, and then move on...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Notice anything similar?

Go ahead. Scroll back up. I’ll wait.

Why, no... your eyes do not deceive you. That is the exact same lovely orange and brown decoration in my home as in their office.

Why, yes, I have been locked up in my condo alone for over a year and have nothing better to do with my time than get excited over the decor in my home that matches something on the screen.

Don’t judge, people. It makes baby Jesus sad.

:)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

When the Shan Clan came to visit, Shannon introduced me to the wonder that is Sonic Lime Slush.

How I lived without this my whole life is beyond me.

I’m not sure if I have yet had a full 24 hours respite from getting sick to my stomach at some point in the last month, which [in case you’re wondering] is getting really, really, really old. And really, really, really frustrating. But Shannon, in her wisdom, brought me this miracle drink that not only doesn’t make me sick... but tends to actually calm my stomach.

Which means, when they were here we were sending her husband Jason on Sonic runs constantly. :) On Tuesday of last week I made a comment on Twitter about wishing Sonic delivered. I did not mean this as instruction, honestly, but on Wednesday Candy showed up on my doorstep with this little beauty.

And a spare to put in my fridge for the next day. I love that woman.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I showed you in last week’s Gitz Bits that the Hayward's planted me my very own little perennial garden by my patio... and this week my lovely daylily started to open up. Isn’t it pretty?

The plant is actually called “Happy Returns” and Shan said that was a visual reminder to me of their promise to come back. I’m very much looking forward to the day.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Suz and the boys came over on Friday [when the television arm slugging incident occurred] so she could use her handy-dandy steam cleaner on my worn and dirty carpets. There were so many people coming in and out that week of Dad’s funeral, and a good cleaning was much needed.

Suz took a picture of the boys and I snuggled up watching a movie while she slaved away, but the photo was on her camera and I forgot to get it from her. I did have this picture of Riley from that day, though, and I think his expression pretty much sums up the other reason the carpets needed cleaned.

My dog is stressed out, people. Stressed with a capital “S”. Which means he has marked inappropriately and thrown up in sympathy for me. Those eyes search mine daily to find out when normal is going to return to our little condo. I swear we had more people come through here in three weeks than we normally see in three years, and when the commotion finally died down I went and let in two rambunctious boys and a woman with a loud steam cleaning machine.

Poor dog.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I don’t live well in chaos or clutter, and I have slowly been getting things put away and back in their respective places over the past few weeks. Mom and my Uncle Jon were going to be coming for the day on Sunday, so on Saturday I was futzing around to get the last of random things sorted through and put away. That’s when I found the signs in this picture.

My friend Nicole drove here from Kansas City the day after Dad died... and people, she was such a God-send. She left her four little girls [the youngest two are 18 month old twins] with her husband Josh and totally took over my world for me. Everyone nicknamed her “Nazi Nicole” because she was serious about making sure no one forgot that there are rules about my health.

God bless her. She totally saved the day.

When she had to leave, she took marker to paper and made sure no one would forget instructions... there were signs on the door in the hallway telling people to disinfect their hands, avoid letting outside air in, and if they had the sniffles... fuggedaboutit. She had signs about my needs, my med schedule, Riley’s med schedule...

I’m not sure if it was more about making sure people knew my needs, or if it was more her need to make sure I was ok, but that girl had my back. And those signs still make me smile.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I had told Mom that I wanted to be sure to know about all the things people did for her and the family during the funeral, so when she came on Sunday she plopped down this huge basket – which she referred to as the “first installment” of cards for me to go through.

Wowza. It’s been so amazing reading through all the cards and letters and messages from people I never even dreamed we would hear from, and from the many that I wish I could have seen in person. Looking through these has confirmed two of my beliefs:

1. It is so nice to have something to physically hold. In a day and age where sending an email is a quick and accessible [and appreciated] way to reach out, there is something about holding a message in your hand. Holding something the sender held, seeing their handwriting and feeling their intention. It’s comforting to, in some way, have a piece of them in your home.

2. Telling stories is so important. The cards/letters that had stories about Dad - memories of recent events or tales from when people were kids growing up with him - are like little pieces of gold to me. Knowing how he touched people, the stories of them getting into trouble together or of lessons learned together... they are all little pieces of him that are gifts for us to treasure. I find myself wanting to see every photo anyone has ever taken of him, finding all the moments I wasn’t there for and filling in blanks. Catching glimpses of a gesture or a grin are priceless now. We are so lucky that people have taken the time share their memories with us.

Thanks for once again sharing my week with me! Click on the button below if you want to go to Jessica’s site and check out the other participants showing off their weekly photos as well: