I'm finding it strangely difficult to get blog posts written and scheduled without my own computer and programs. I have a couple posts that would be ready to go... if I could get access to the photos I need. Photos that are still in their RAW format and can't be processed into a .jpg format without the proper software. I am so relieved to borrow a laptop, and yet feel like half of my limbs are still cut off until a computer of my own can be ready to go.
And as of right now, I'm totally in the dark as to when that will be. They had given assurances of a quick turnaround time, only now to say there are no assurances at all. I'm hoping they are just being unrealistically pessimistic in saying it could be as late as May 4th for me to get my own computer. I'm hoping they are being cautious and that I will be pleasantly surprised when it shows up at my door tomorrow, because I have literally convinced myself each and every day that the UPS man is going to knock on my door and hand me a package from Dell.
I've been learning to go with the flow, while at the same time trying to will the flow to go in my direction.
Ironically, this process of going with the flow is a recurring topic in my everyday life. As much as I've learned to adapt to what life is handing me at any given moment, I am also constantly trying to figure out the rhyme and reason of it all. If I hit a wall of exhaustion, I'm trying to figure out if it's the weather or something I've done differently that day. If my pain is greater I go over my medications in my head to make sure I didn't miss something, and then retrace my steps to figure out when I could have overdone it.
Lately, the hurdle has been a nerve problem in my leg. I know in reality that the pain in my leg comes from a nerve that has pressure on it from the inflammation in my spine. I know in my head that there is no rhyme or reason to the inflammation or the pain. The nerve pain is constant in a certain part of my leg... it's either tingling or itching or deadened or filled with little stabbing needles. I'm used to all of those. The part I'm never sure of is when the lightening will strike. When a bolt of hot, fiery, electrical lightening will shoot into my thigh and drop me to my knees in pain. It can happen when I'm perfectly still or when I'm moving. It can happen multiple times an hour or just once a day. It can happen when my body is in its normal state or when my pain is elevated. It's an equal opportunity annoyance, and there's only one thing I can do about it.
I can go with the flow. I can accept it for the inconvenience that it is, deal with it when it arrives and move on from it when it goes. There's no use anticipating its return... it's on its own schedule. So I've decided not to worry about it when it's gone and just enjoy a lightening-free moment when I can get it.
My body has given me no choice but to accept that, so I do. But I am realizing that's how I should be handling most things in my life. Because, like it or not, most things we have no control over. Most things are going to happen whether we worry about them or not. Most things can't be handled ahead of time, but are only able to be dealt with in the moment. Most of our free time is wasted trying to make something happen that can't, or trying to avoid something happening that's inevitable.
That's been one of the benefits of being sick for me. I've learned to take life as it comes, when it comes... rather than anticipating life's next move and wasting precious time worrying about a future I have no control over.
Don't get me wrong... if I could drive myself to the mysterious Dell warehouse and breathe down their necks until they put my spring green laptop into my outstretched hands, I would. Patience is not always my greatest virtue. But since I'm not leaving the house [or driving for that matter] I'm going to do my best to go with the flow... accept the inevitable... and spend the extra free time catering to the whims of the pup.
Oh, that's right, I do that even when I don't have free time... Silly me. :)