I have learned something about myself with this little ordeal... I've learned that I am an unrealistic optimist. "Hi, my name is Sara, and I'm an unrealistic optimist." Whew. Feels good to get that off my chest.
I guess I shouldn't say it's something new that I've learned, really, but it's one of those things that I seem to keep forgetting. As an example, here's how my thought process went this week:
- My computer dies. But it's ok... I'll figure out a way to get another one. And I think that realistically I'll be without one for a week, maximum.
- I begin to think that maybe this will be a good thing for me. It is Holy Week after all; I can stand a little sacrifice. Besides, I have lots of other things on my mental to-do list that I'd like to get done or caught up on.
- Reality sets in, and I begin to lose my mind because of the total disconnect from all of you.
- The clarity that having free time doesn't mean I'll magically have more energy to do other things is suddenly found.
- I begin to understand that the computer and internet weren't keeping me from getting things done on my mental to-do list... my physical disability was keeping me from getting those things done. The computer is just a fantastic and wonderful distraction from the frustration of not being able to do most anything else.
- I realize that a week for a computer to be ordered and delivered is an unrealistically optimistic expectation and the subject of this blog post is found.
Most importantly, I wanted a chance to get online today so I could tell you all Happy Easter. I hope you are all able to spend time with people you love this weekend and get to truly celebrate the hope that was given to all of us in Christ's resurrection. The unselfish love He has for us... to die for sins we had yet to commit because He knew who we would be and how much we would need His grace... it's the most overwhelming and humbling realization for me. Good Friday service was the one time every year I knew I couldn't enter church and leave the same person. Some Sundays I admit to just existing through the Mass, but on Good Friday when the altar was stripped bare and the sound of echoing hammers filled the chapel, I could not be unmoved and unchanged. That same emotion will be with me here in my home... no altar or cross or hammers are needed for me to know that He lived for me, died for me and loves me.
And I know that He, too, looks at me with unrealistic optimism. Because although He has given me everything I need, I often fail miserably at the tasks He puts in front of me. But just like I forget and face the next hurdle with optimism that is oftentimes unwarranted, He wipes my slate clean and does the same for me.
How very blessed I am.