Monday, April 26, 2010

Monday Morning Confession

Positive Thing About Blogging: I write down what I believe so I can look back and remind myself how I want to handle things.

Negative Thing About Blogging: I write down what I believe so I can look back and remind myself how I want to handle things.

You gotta love a good double-edge sword for those moments when you’d rather pretend you didn’t know better. :) Because there are times when I am hanging on by my fingernails over here. Seriously. You guys have emailed and asked me if I ever just throw up my hands and say…

[Well, you all know I have a mouth on me, so we’ll skip what it is that I might say.]

Regardless of my questionable mouth, the answer is: ohmysoul! Are you kidding me?!?!?!

Yes, of course I get so tired of living like this. Sometimes it will hit me that, for the rest of my life, I’m never going to get a break. There is no vacation from the pain and the tired and the constant effort. There won’t be a random “what the heck, I’ll just open a window” kind of day.

I do my best to live in the moment because the moments seem to change in a breath. Living in the now is the best option. But every once in awhile, when all my moments have the commonality of intense pain, and all the changing breaths have the commonality of new issues, I find myself wanting to live in the land of I-Don’t-Wanna.

You know, that mystical land that allows us to throw a fit somewhere deep down inside when we are too old to throw one on the outside. The weather keeps changing and the storm fronts keep moving in and the dizziness and nausea and pain won’t subside. And I get weary.

But I still know better.

I still trust Him.

I still have all these posts reminding me who I want to be. :)

I can be weary. I don’t have to like it. But I do have to keep believing.

For me, it helps to have a plan. Most of this past week I spent more time in bed than I did on the couch. [Yes, sitting on the couch is my goal right now.] But I keep my sanity with certain cozy blankets that make me think of the people who gave them to me, certain movies ready to go in the dvd player, my computer propped on the bed, books and notebooks on my side table.

I make lists of the things I want to try to get accomplished eventually so that my brain isn’t always stuck in the unpleasant present. But I never put anything on the list that I know could be unattainable, because that will just frustrate me later. I keep my meds across the room so I have to get up and move whether I feel like it or not, because it’s good for me. I keep things around me that remind me of the joy. Of the good things in my life. Of the blessings that the pain can’t touch if I don’t let it.

It isn't hard to be good from time to time. What's tough is being good every day. - Willie Mays

It’s not always the big things like pain and immobility that can rob us of our joy. Sometimes it’s just the tedious repetition of the day. But we still know better, we still trust Him, we still keep believing… if we have a plan to keep ourselves in the middle of the joy.

So, what’s your plan? What’s the thing you’re going to keep around you for when life gets too busy or painful or redundant or stressful? What is going to help you make sure you don’t let the circumstances in your life steal your joy?

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