Wednesday, March 11, 2009

HDG: Choices

hump day

“God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with Him.”                                                                  - Jim Elliot

I’m going to touch on a topic today that I’m always a bit leery of addressing. I’m leery for a couple of reasons. One is because I’m not an expert on religion or the bible and have no interest in telling people what they should believe. The second is because I don’t like being judged, and this is a topic that I have been judged on in the past.

It’s about healing.

I think because I’m pretty matter-of-fact about my life, and because I seem quick to accept my fate, it gives the impression that I don’t think miracles can happen. And that’s not true. I believe in miracles, I believe in healing, I believe in a God that is so much bigger than I can imagine Him to be that anything is possible. I also believe that sometimes healing must not be what He needs for us, or it would happen to everyone.

Because God is so big, so out-of-the-box for me, I have no interest in making my life into something that wouldn’t serve Him. I have had people tell me that if I had more faith I would be healed. I’ve had people tell me that if I just don’t talk about being sick and move forward in faith as though I will be well, then healing will come from my faithfulness. I’ve had people tell me that I haven’t been healed because I haven’t told God to do it… being timid gets you nowhere and  declaring what I want will prove to God that I truly believe.

If those things are true… if that’s how it actually does work… then I guess I’m totally missing the boat. But none of those things, to me, feels right. I remember a religion class when I was in 3rd grade and we were learning about faith… how it is believing in that which we cannot see. We were talking about how God can do anything, but that we aren’t supposed to ask for proof, that we aren’t supposed to test God in that way. We are supposed to talk to Him, tell him our fears, our wants, our joys; but if we look at Him and say, “If you make such-and-such happen then I will believe in you,” that’s not faith… that’s Thomas asking to touch the holes in his hands.

For me, I tell God what I think would be lovely for my life… but I also tell Him that I am fully open to whatever He needs from me. I would love to wake up and never have pain again. I would love to open my windows and sit on my patio or go for a walk or swim in a lake. But I don’t want those things if they don’t serve Him. It’s really that simple. I know some people think that means I don’t want it badly enough. If it comes at the expense of fulfilling a purpose He may have for me, that’s probably true.

I had people from my church who thought I should go to Medjagory for healing. I believe miracles happen there. And I believe there are people who go with the purest of hearts and the most genuine intentions, who are not healed. I don’t think it’s about who puts their faith on the line better, I think it’s about fulfilling a mission. Some are healed because that miracle will spur some on to faith. Some are not healed because that suffering will help others in some way. I’m not big enough to know which should be true for me. I trust God to make that decision. I am open to either option and I believe if healing is meant for me, He’ll make that happen.

But in the interim, I’m not wasting a moment of what is by waiting for what could be. Well, I may waste a moment here or there… I am human after all and disappointment doesn’t escape me just because I know better. But I’m leaving the choice with Him. Right now I have a lot of pain, I have a lot of limitations, and I can’t go outside without suffering the consequences. That’s my reality.

If He chooses to change that reality tomorrow I will embrace it without question, just as I am going to deal with what is in front of me right now without question. It’s ok if you think I’m wrong to approach it this way. It’s wonderful if you took a different approach and experienced healing. All I know is that I’ve talked about this with God at length, and this is what I find to be peaceful in my heart. It’s working for me, this decision to leave the choice with Him. It may not look like it’s working out all that well physically, but it’s working out well for my spirit.


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