Wednesday, March 18, 2009

HDG: Fretting

hump day

I was trying to decide on a quote to make into a canvas for today’s giveaway, and the one I keep coming back to is this:

“It is such folly to pass one’s time fretting instead of resting quietly on the heart of Jesus.”                        - St. Therese of Lisieux


I love this quote… it’s one that makes me take a deep breath and get my mind in the right place. But it also sometimes slaps me upside the head and reminds me that I’ve been spending too much time fretting lately.

Fretting is a vicious cycle isn’t it?

Part of me thinks it’s ok… I’ve earned the right to fret a little, haven’t I? I went patiently (for the most part) through this past year, taking my lumps as they were given to me. I stayed inside all of last summer, feeling sick each time I attempted to open a door or a window because of my reactions to the air. I didn’t step foot outside of my home from July until March, knowing that if the air didn’t get me, I would certainly fall on the ice in those winter months. Not to mention the fact that everyone and their dog was sick, and I was trying to avoid pneumonia this year. It was just too risky to try to leave these four walls.

But I really didn’t fret (much). I was patient… but I fooled myself into thinking it was because I was being trusting. What I didn’t realize at the time was that my trust had conditions built into the fine print. I figured I could make it through a year indoors because I was certain, once we had a good freeze, whatever weird thing in the air that was bothering me would be killed off. I knew if I just waited again until Spring I would be rewarded with fresh air and sunshine. I was sure.

I was wrong.

And now I can’t stop fretting.

I’m trying hard not to. I’m trying so hard not to stomp my feet and throw myself on the ground, kicking and screaming into a fit of unfairness. I’m trying not to yell into the nothingness that I don’t deserve this. I’m trying so hard not to face the fact that I’m not going to ever sit outside in the fresh air, feeling the warm sun on my skin and watching as the silent breeze rustles through the hasta. I’m not going to sit on my patio reading while Riley snuggles up next to me, content with keeping one eye on the wrens in their birdhouse to make sure they aren’t taking up too much of his turf. I’m not going to wield my new camera while sitting in a friend’s yard… taking pictures of their kids and of the flowers, with the sunshine streaming through the lens.

I have to let go of those images that simply aren’t meant to be a part of my daily existence. And it sucks. I just can’t pretend that it doesn’t.

BUT, and there’s always a but, if I really trust my God… if I really believe that He loves me beyond condition and holds me gently, then I can’t stay fretting. And I really do trust Him. I really do believe. Which means I need to keep stepping forward in faith and remembering that there is plenty of joy right here within my four walls.

It’s not easy, but the only way I know how to move forward is to let it out and then let it go… and I’ll start by resting quietly on the heart of Jesus.


To win today’s canvas, leave a comment telling me what you are fretting about… what you are willing to lay down so you can instead rest quietly. [Only one comment, please. The drawing will end at midnight CST.]

blog comments powered by Disqus