Well, it’s official.
It appears that I’m now taking homebound to a whole new level. Or at least a level I was hoping to avoid. Permanent. An all encompassing, windows-and-doors-shut, not-sitting-in-the-sunlight or breathing-outside-air-again kind of permanently homebound.
It sounds dramatic, I know… like I should be joking and then coming around to my real point. But nope, what you see is what you get with this one, blog peeps. Homebound it is.
For those of you who are new to the gitzengirl blog, you may have missed out on some quirky revelations last summer. The revelation that my body had taken rejection to an extreme, and I was having allergic reactions to the outside air. The kind of reaction where I can’t breathe, I’m nauseous, my ears and throat burn, my eyes feel bruised and my skin itches.
But other than those little side effects, sitting outside in the warmth and sunshine was pure bliss. :)
I was hoping it was a temporary thing. We had flooding in the area this past summer and I was thinking that, once the deep freeze of winter hit, whatever was affecting me would be killed off. And it was, as long as everything stayed frozen. I was opening my window and turning on the fireplace when it was 20* outside and enjoying the crisp, fresh air.
But on Friday I had an appointment with my rheumatologist. The sun was shining, the temperatures in the 50’s and I was so ready to not only leave the house (something I hadn’t done since my last doctor appointment in July), but also try out the fresh air and the beautiful day. As it turns out, I’m still allergic to the outside world.
In all honesty, I’m wavering between intense disappointment and not being surprised at all. It’s been my experience that once I lose an ability I don’t usually get it back. Once I start reacting to something, it only gets more intense, not better. But still, I was hoping.
The doctor appointment was pretty routine. The nurses were thrilled about the beautiful warm day and I burst their bubble by letting them know it wasn’t going to last… I was in enough pain and feeling dizzy enough to know the weather was changing. In true Iowa fashion we had rain on Friday night and all day Saturday, and Sunday brought big flakes of snow. The constant change of temperature and weather conditions matched my constantly changing mental outlook as well.
I find it so much easier to skip over the drama and just accept what is… but sometimes, when I feel so sick from the allergic reactions and my body feels so badly from the disease, I find the drama sits in my heart a bit more. How lucky I am that the pup doesn’t mind laying on the couch watching a Harry Potter marathon on cable all weekend and pretending reality doesn’t exist. Tomorrow I’ll buck up and take it like a woman and all will be well.
For now, I’m going to cuddle with the dog and pretend like I still believe in magic.
