Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Allowing Nothing

I've decided the difference between being chronically ill and having a brief illness is the activity of the mind.

When you have the flu and you're laying on the couch... shaky, achy and miserable... your body can do nothing and you want to do nothing. You wonder after a day or so if you remember what being healthy feels like, and decide that nothing in life is important enough to risk moving from that very spot.

You’ve all been there, right?

You desire to do nothing except feel miserable until miserable has run its course.

Chronic illness can be similar in a lot of ways. I lay on the couch... shaky, achy and miserable... my body can do nothing, but I want to do something.

I know health isn't coming at the end of this run. I know that whatever is around the corner – in some way shape or form – is  going to involve this illness. If history is any indication, around the corner will bring a new hurdle, not a smoother road. But unlike short term illness, my brain doesn't tend to slow down and give in to my body.

I still watch Funny Girl on the weekend and dream of being discovered and put on a stage. I still look out the window and wonder if the water at the lake is warm yet, if people are grilling out and eating sweet corn. My mind drifts to past gatherings and I wonder what the current ones are sounding like.

Because I know those things are unreachable, my mind is constantly shifting to what I can do here. Letters I want to write to people, gifts I want to make, dishes I want to dare prepare in the kitchen.

My mind is constantly on the go.

But my fingers are too sore to write on the card, my body is too tired to stand and paint, and cooking is a pointless task when my hands and wrists no longer let me do something as simple as cut a piece of meat.

I'm a girl who desires a goal. I'm a girl whose mind goes a million miles an hour with ideas. But I'm also a girl who doesn't have a body that can back it up. Often, despite my best efforts, I find myself to be a girl whose body allows her nothing.

That's where trust keeps coming into play for me.

quote wooden

I trust that if my body is allowing for nothing that my mind can create, then I am meant to be doing something my mind can't create. I'm trying to keep my eyes open all the time so when something small crosses my path that I am capable of, I can respond and participate. I'm trusting that God will put ways I can help people within my reach, and that my body is not allowing me the things of my mind because the things of His mind are more important.

What about you?

Are you living your life fighting for what your mind wants, or are you trusting and being open to the things that He may be putting in front of you?

blog comments powered by Disqus