Friday, March 25, 2011

5 minutes: waking up

Today I'm linking up to Lisa-Jo aka gypsy mama, who chooses a topic every Friday and writes for five minutes.

Only five minutes.

And the rule is that whatever she writes about in that five minutes is what she posts. No editing her thoughts.

Today, her topic choice is "Waking up…"

So I'm going to set the timer, write some thoughts, and then I'm going to stop.

Ready? Set. Go.


Waking up seems to be what my family is in the process of doing right now. Almost nine months that we've been without Dad, and it feels like we just gradually wake up from the fog.

It's funny how, through every step of this, I thought I was awake. I mean, I remember the moment on the phone with my sister like it just happened. It is seared into my memory. I remember the conversations that happened. The people who came. How I felt. What I wore. Who I spoke to. I was cognizant and intentional.

But I wasn't awake.

There is a fog that overtakes us. That protects us from ourselves and a life that we don't know how to process. Our bodies took over. Mom says she felt less pain for a long time… old aches in her joints disappeared, and as she wakes from her fog, the aches return.

Being sick made it different for me. My sick body took over, and while I felt calm in my head I did nothing but throw up repeatedly, every day for months on end. Shock was not so kind to me.

Mom has been here, laying in bed with me this afternoon, and we talk about him now and I see it in both of us.

A waking up.

Some people say it will get easier. Some people say we should expect it to keep getting worse. That the second year is harder.

I can't really imagine anything but the ache of missing him as we wake up without him every day, except for the day when we all fully awake together in Heaven.

That will be the perfect waking.

Easter is coming. I want to spend my days awake so I don't miss Him when it counts.

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