I Will Hold You

I'm not a New Year's resolution girl. As a matter of fact, I'm not a New Year's girl at all.

I used to be... I'm a social person and loved to celebrate with the best of them... but a few years ago, when getting 'out and about' was replaced with 'in and alone' New Year's started feeling a lot different. There were two years in a row when I had pneumonia over the holiday, one of which I was in the hospital and another when I had home nursing come to me. Last year I held the pneumonia off until the end of January, but New Year's was still a no-go because of pain.

Now, there are lots of holidays I miss out on or things I can't go to... but this is the only holiday I used to dread. (And by 'used to' I mean before writing this tonight.) It's the time of year everyone looks back over the past and forward to the new year with hope and resolve. That doesn't work for me. Looking back to see how my health has declined isn't fun. Looking forward and imagining what might come is worse. And making resolutions and plans is simply setting myself up for failure. It just doesn't work for me.

Last year, I decided to participate in Ali Edwards' One Little Word challenge ... to pick a word that you would use as your touch point for the year. A word that you would come back to in order to keep yourself in focus and moving forward. I liked that a lot... the idea of centering myself without creating unrealistic expectations.

Kind of.

I chose a bit of a loaded word: Maintain. The idea was that I was not going to push myself too hard, not entertain the idea of travel, not push myself beyond limitations that I know will lead to more pain and probably illness. That was big for me because, in case you haven't noticed yet, I can be a little stubborn and a smidge anal retentive. And when I get stubborn or anal I push myself harder than I should.

Well, it was a great idea... but part of that maintaining had me assuming that if I behaved and did things as I should I would maintain my health... not get sicker... not have setbacks. See why it was a loaded word? Because I look back on the last year and I most certainly did not physically maintain.

But from another view, one that I didn't intend, I maintained very well. I maintained my spirit, my outlook, my intentions. I maintained this blog and established friendships and purpose and meaning. I maintained mentally and spiritually because I showed up every day and spoke my truth to all of you... which in turn spoke to myself in a way I hadn't realized I needed. So despite the physical stuff, I'm calling 2008 successful. Thanks to all of you.

This is a treasured Christmas gift I got from my friend Susie this year:
[for all of you asking for a recent photo of me... that's my hand. :) ]

I love it. I mean really love it. She said she got it for those times when things aren't good and she doesn't know what to do or say. I love it because it's something I can hold onto, something to ground me physically and remind me emotionally and spiritually that I'm never alone. I also love it because it represents something that I've been wanting to do more of... reading the Bible. You'd think after 12 years of Catholic schooling (which I loved and am grateful for) I would have done a lot of that. Now let me tell you, I can recite prayers like no one's business, but I can't recite scripture verses or call to mind stories or lessons from the Bible the way I'd like to.

Which is why my word for this coming year is going to be Devotion. I'm going to focus on being more devoted to studying and learning, and also staying focused on devotion to others. Devoted to all of you here, to people in my life who need encouragement or attention, devotion to others as a way to live out the gospels I'll be reading.

And, of course, I'll be devoted to taking photos like this one of the posing pooch:

What about all of you? Have you made resolutions? Are you choosing a word to keep yourself focused? Tell me how you see the new year shaping you...