What You've Got...

[I still can't get to my newer photos... but figured out how to get to photos I already processed with this loaner laptop. YEA!!!]

You know that lyric, “You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone...”? I've been so fortunate that sentiment hasn't seemed to apply to my life. I usually know how blessed I am to have what's right in front of me.

Like the fact that I knew how much I relied on all of you out here in the blog universe. I was aware of exactly how much it helped me to wake up in the morning when I could look forward to reading what all of you had written in the comment section. And I was right. Really right. Because I missed the heck out of all of you, and getting out of bed in the morning took a little bit longer without the motivation.

And then there were the years my brother's family lived here in town. Hoody, his wife Patience and my little Cooper lived here when I was in college, and later when I was working at the magazine. They had a house close by and we would have Sunday dinners, watch movies, go for walks and enjoy holidays together.

I knew exactly how good I had it when this little man was available to play or snuggle or go for a stroller ride. Shortly after they moved Miss Avery [aka Tootsie] came into their lives, and the blessing of this little chickadee running around on tip toes was never lost on me either. 
  

 
What does take me by surprise regularly, however, is how quickly they are growing up on me. Patience and the kids came to visit a few weeks ago when they had an afternoon off from school, and I soaked up every last moment with them. And they most certainly didn't disappoint. They are never short on stories or ideas, and kept me thoroughly entertained.
 

 

I love it when they take interest in the hobbies I love so much. While I got a couple of shots with my new camera, Tootsie took command of my old point and shoot, taking many an artistic photo.

 

[me on the computer as Riley posed so nicely for her]

[yes, that's still my Christmas tree... don't judge.]

Coop, after doing some drawing in his notebook, also got in on the photography action and wanted to make sure I showed my bloggers some of his great new comic book storylines...
 

[In case you can't read it, it's titled "The Poor City of Good Ol' People"]

[His name is Temptation the Cyborg]

[I have to tell you, it cracked me up that they requested air time on the blog.]

We played another mean game of Clue, since they wanted a rematch from Christmas... [the following Clue photos are taken by Coop]

[I won again this time... I think I read too many murder mysteries]

...and we couldn't have an evening together without baking the crazy volcano cake.

[Sadly... these photos weren't processed and you're just going to have to use your imagination. I'll post them when the new computer comes, just so you can salivate over the chocolate yumminess...]

I love that I have little traditions with the kids, and while it was great to have Sunday dinners and stroller rides in years past, I savor the stolen moments and excitement of getting to have them visit now. I know exactly what I've got. And I love every minute of it.

Going With The Flow

I'm finding it strangely difficult to get blog posts written and scheduled without my own computer and programs. I have a couple posts that would be ready to go... if I could get access to the photos I need. Photos that are still in their RAW format and can't be processed into a .jpg format without the proper software. I am so relieved to borrow a laptop, and yet feel like half of my limbs are still cut off until a computer of my own can be ready to go.

And as of right now, I'm totally in the dark as to when that will be. They had given assurances of a quick turnaround time, only now to say there are no assurances at all. I'm hoping they are just being unrealistically pessimistic in saying it could be as late as May 4th for me to get my own computer. I'm hoping they are being cautious and that I will be pleasantly surprised when it shows up at my door tomorrow, because I have literally convinced myself each and every day that the UPS man is going to knock on my door and hand me a package from Dell.

I've been learning to go with the flow, while at the same time trying to will the flow to go in my direction.

Ironically, this process of going with the flow is a recurring topic in my everyday life. As much as I've learned to adapt to what life is handing me at any given moment, I am also constantly trying to figure out the rhyme and reason of it all. If I hit a wall of exhaustion, I'm trying to figure out if it's the weather or something I've done differently that day. If my pain is greater I go over my medications in my head to make sure I didn't miss something, and then retrace my steps to figure out when I could have overdone it.

Lately, the hurdle has been a nerve problem in my leg. I know in reality that the pain in my leg comes from a nerve that has pressure on it from the inflammation in my spine. I know in my head that there is no rhyme or reason to the inflammation or the pain. The nerve pain is constant in a certain part of my leg... it's either tingling or itching or deadened or filled with little stabbing needles. I'm used to all of those. The part I'm never sure of is when the lightening will strike. When a bolt of hot, fiery, electrical lightening will shoot into my thigh and drop me to my knees in pain. It can happen when I'm perfectly still or when I'm moving. It can happen multiple times an hour or just once a day. It can happen when my body is in its normal state or when my pain is elevated. It's an equal opportunity annoyance, and there's only one thing I can do about it.

I can go with the flow. I can accept it for the inconvenience that it is, deal with it when it arrives and move on from it when it goes. There's no use anticipating its return... it's on its own schedule. So I've decided not to worry about it when it's gone and just enjoy a lightening-free moment when I can get it.

My body has given me no choice but to accept that, so I do. But I am realizing that's how I should be handling most things in my life. Because, like it or not, most things we have no control over. Most things are going to happen whether we worry about them or not. Most things can't be handled ahead of time, but are only able to be dealt with in the moment. Most of our free time is wasted trying to make something happen that can't, or trying to avoid something happening that's inevitable.

That's been one of the benefits of being sick for me. I've learned to take life as it comes, when it comes... rather than anticipating life's next move and wasting precious time worrying about a future I have no control over.

Don't get me wrong... if I could drive myself to the mysterious Dell warehouse and breathe down their necks until they put my spring green laptop into my outstretched hands, I would. Patience is not always my greatest virtue. But since I'm not leaving the house [or driving for that matter] I'm going to do my best to go with the flow... accept the inevitable... and spend the extra free time catering to the whims of the pup.

Oh, that's right, I do that even when I don't have free time... Silly me. :)

The Unrealistic Optimist

So, this whole internet fasting thing was not what I was planning on doing for Lent this year, but apparently the universe had other plans for me! I have a laptop on order that was supposed to be here by the end of this week, but as of yesterday it hadn't shipped out yet... so I called in the reinforcements. :) My friend Meg is loaning me her laptop so I can sneak in and say hi to all of you blog peeps ... and make no mistake people, I HAVE MISSED YOU! You seriously have no idea.

I have learned something about myself with this little ordeal... I've learned that I am an unrealistic optimist. "Hi, my name is Sara, and I'm an unrealistic optimist." Whew. Feels good to get that off my chest.

I guess I shouldn't say it's something new that I've learned, really, but it's one of those things that I seem to keep forgetting. As an example, here's how my thought process went this week:

1. My computer dies. But it's ok... I'll figure out a way to get another one. And I think that realistically I'll be without one for a week, maximum.
2. I begin to think that maybe this will be a good thing for me. It is Holy Week after all; I can stand a little sacrifice. Besides, I have lots of other things on my mental to-do list that I'd like to get done or caught up on.
3. Reality sets in, and I begin to lose my mind because of the total disconnect from all of you.
4. The clarity that having free time doesn't mean I'll magically have more energy to do other things is suddenly found.
5. I begin to understand that the computer and internet weren't keeping me from getting things done on my mental to-do list... my physical disability was keeping me from getting those things done. The computer is just a fantastic and wonderful distraction from the frustration of not being able to do most anything else.
6. I realize that a week for a computer to be ordered and delivered is an unrealistically optimistic expectation and the subject of this blog post is found.

But the benefit of being unrealistically optimistic is that almost every situation starts out handleable, even if the plan does eventually fall apart. :)

Most importantly, I wanted a chance to get online today so I could tell you all Happy Easter. I hope you are all able to spend time with people you love this weekend and get to truly celebrate the hope that was given to all of us in Christ's resurrection. The unselfish love He has for us... to die for sins we had yet to commit because He knew who we would be and how much we would need His grace... it's the most overwhelming and humbling realization for me. Good Friday service was the one time every year I knew I couldn't enter church and leave the same person. Some Sundays I admit to just existing through the Mass, but on Good Friday when the altar was stripped bare and the sound of echoing hammers filled the chapel, I could not be unmoved and unchanged. That same emotion will be with me here in my home... no altar or cross or hammers are needed for me to know that He lived for me, died for me and loves me.

And I know that He, too, looks at me with unrealistic optimism. Because although He has given me everything I need, I often fail miserably at the tasks He puts in front of me. But just like I forget and face the next hurdle with optimism that is oftentimes unwarranted, He wipes my slate clean and does the same for me.

How very blessed I am.

I’m Trying Not to Panic, BUT…

… my laptop has bit the dust. Like smoking, almost starting a fire kind of bit the dust.

[cue moment of silence for internal screaming…]

Good ol’ Susie has lent me her system for the afternoon so I can get a post up for all of you and take care of some other online business, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to go radio-silent for a few days until I can get a new system in place.

[I’m still screaming internally, in case you’re wondering…]

I’m not freaking out about the laptop; it’s just a thing and I’ll figure that out. But I will be away from YOU … my blog peeps …

No email, no Twitter, no Facebook, no blog surfing ….

It’s like I’m Laura freaking Ingalls during a blizzard in the Big Woods. [We are actually having a blizzard right now, ironically.] Only I'm stuck without Mr. Edwards to entertain me on the harmonica while Pa plays the fiddle. *sigh*

So, you just have to promise you won’t forget about me, and I’ll be back the moment a new laptop hits my hot little hands. In the meantime, you can go back to the beginning and read all those older blog posts you may have missed!

As for me, I have a book I need to read that I’ll be reviewing and giving away on the blog ~ and I have canvases to get shipped out ~ and I have other canvases to make ~ and apparently I’ll now have hours on end to think of new posts for the blog!  :)

Until next time, [soon, God, please let it be soon] I’ll leave you with this sad, pitiful face:

[Riley is screaming internally, too…]

Flashback Friday: The Custom Cruiser

This is the only photo I could find of what I “affectionately” called the Custom Cruiser. It’s that old heap of a car, covered in snow, that dad had obviously backed into with his pickup.

It was a brown Plymouth Custom Satellite [I have no idea the year, although I think it’s safe to say OLD] that my dad had bought for $100 for my sister to go back and forth to college her freshman year. The following year I turned 14, she got a better car and I was able to drive with a school permit… which means the Custom Cruiser was mine-all-mine…

People, trust me when I tell you that if such a thing as regulations for a car exist, this one didn’t meet any of them. The first day the car became '”mine” dad gave me a lesson in how to check the oil, and then we took it to town so he could show me how to properly power wash the car.

We put in our tokens and dad provided a few pointers like, “Now honey, if a guy would just hold the sprayer like so, you’re going to get the best angle for cleaning underneath…” But sadly, I never got to hear the rest of dad’s power washing wisdom because the car literally started falling apart.

Yep. The old Custom Cruiser appeared to be held together by the rust and dirt that had been accumulating over its many years of use. Instead of learning the finer points of a good wash, my dad’s advice turned into, “Don’t ever wash this car.”

Trust me, I didn’t. But I did check the oil every single time I filled the gas tank. Apparently that is my dad’s number one rule of car ownership, and it stuck with me.

Of course, being 14, I wasn’t truly all that concerned with washing it anyway… what I was concerned with was the fact that it only had an 8-track player. [If you don’t know what an 8-track player is, feel free to come to my house so I can slap you for making me feel old.] After a short time of having nothing to listen to other than the Carpenters and Debby Boone’s “You Light Up My Life,” I figured out a way to rig a cassette player into the stereo. It was quite the system, trust me.

The best part of the beater car was that I could go all sorts of places in it and put all sorts of dings in it, and no one would ever be the wiser. My friends and I could go places were weren’t allowed [remember… it was just a school permit] by taking gravel roads, and no one noticed we had done it because my car was always filthy. In reality, we were probably helping to hold the thing together by adding the extra dirt. We would have to wait for the fog to clear inside the car, however, as the dust from the gravel roads would billow in through the rust holes on the floor in the back.

I may have just discovered the cause of my asthma.

The funniest mishap, to me, was when my best friend Katie wanted to drive. She didn’t have a car yet and had no driving experience, which at 14 didn’t sound like that big of deal to us. So she hopped into my car and went to back it out of the garage… and promptly scraped it across the side of the garage door frame, putting a huge dent into the side of the car.

We were FREAKING OUT. I was so afraid of getting in trouble, and Katie didn’t want her parents to know she was driving… so we did the only logical thing we could think of. We put the car in the garage and pretended it never happened.

Funny thing is, that solution totally worked. The car was such a junker that dad never noticed an extra dent, and about a year later when he did notice a scrape on the garage door frame he just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Hmm… wonder how that got there.” Since it didn’t seem to be a direct question to me I didn’t think it required a direct answer from me.

But now that the truth is out there… Katie, you might be getting a call from my dad.

Sorry.

[This is Katie and me; I would show you a photo of us at 14, but either my hair would be scary short (I was bucking the trends) or it was long and we both had wings on the side of our heads that made us look like we were about to take flight. This was by far the safest option.]

Adrift in Chaos?

Oh, people, even if you were lying to me about being duped… it was so much fun thinking I finally had an April Fool’s prank work!!!!!

And it was even more fun when random.org picked the number of a commenter who has shown up here every day since practically the beginning of this blog…

MISS ROBIN!!!!  And it's no surprise that you "got" me. As we established when I fell for Vicky's joke, that NO ONE else fell for, I believe ANYTHING!!!! You little Dickens, but at least I can say that I someone got me with an April Fools joke!!!  Organizing...yep that's my girl, I love the closets they look perfect! Your work space just screams "I'm CREATIVE"!  Love this canvas! My eyes about bugged out of my head...Joy...love it!

Congratulations, Robin! I’ll get your canvas in the mail! Now… onto today’s blog post…

***** ***** *****

Either we are adrift in chaos or we are individuals, created, loved, upheld and placed purposefully, exactly where we are. Can you believe that? Can you trust God for that?  
                                                                    ~ Elisabeth Elliot

I love a good quote that hits squarely between the eyes, don’t you?

I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about what it means to really have a servant’s heart. It could mean being accessible to others in a variety of ways… volunteering at a food pantry, giving your time to mentor a child, simply being available to friends in need or dropping a card in the mail to someone who needs a bright spot in their day.

It could mean going to your job and finding ways to make sure the work you do benefits others, or being the stay-at-home mom who does the little things to make sure her family feels loved and secure and special.

But that quote up there, the one that talks about believing we are placed purposefully, that is what defines having a servant’s heart for me. Why? Because it makes my life not about me. The only part of that statement I have any control over is my choice to trust that I am not adrift in chaos… that being exactly where I am, with all of my abilities and lack thereof, is exactly where I’m supposed to be. That puts me in a place to fulfill His mission, not mine.

It’s taken me years to understand that. When I was perfectly healthy I was always striving to be of purpose. I was always looking for ways to do better, to be better, to find the mission I was supposed to fulfill. But as years passed, and abilities I once thought made me who I was gradually began to disappear one by one, I started to realize that all the searching in the world couldn’t provide as much insight as simply standing still and embracing the purpose of the moment.

The more abilities that were taken from me, the more I realized they were just externals. Singing was a joy, but it wasn’t who I was. The right job or the right apartment didn’t create lasting happiness. It was what I did at that job, what I gave to the people who heard me sing, what comfort I provided to those who entered my home… those were the things that best served.

Now I find that the less I have, the less I need. The less I am able to do, the more I am able to see what is right in front of me. Instead of trying to succeed at things I think are important or searching to discover a purpose, I’m working at being still… at having a servant’s heart and trusting that I am an individual, created, loved, upheld and placed purposefully, exactly where I am.

While my life feels crazy sometimes [trust me, it does] it no longer feels like chaos. That doesn’t make my physical reality any easier, or less painful, but it does bring contentment and a joyful heart. Those I wouldn’t trade for all the success in the world.

I’m In Business…

Well, I am officially making a dent in the canvas orders, and am having so much fun in the process… but I’m also falling a little behind on things so there won’t be a giveaway today. :(

But instead I thought I’d give you a sneak peek of what I’m busy with…

I know creating is supposed to be a messy process, but I find myself keeping it as organized as possible. I think because I have to conserve as much energy as I can, I am always trying to streamline things and make everything more accessible.

My dining room table is obviously no longer a dining room table, but a permanent workstation for canvases in progress.

I actually had to take a step back once I confirmed some orders to figure out how I was going to keep things straight and make sure I wasn’t trying to re-invent the wheel. I found having cards for each specific canvas kept me on track, and having many base coats done at once meant I could step in and work on any one of them as I felt able.

When I want to work on one a bit, I just bring it over to the kitchen counter, place it on a bigger canvas that keeps my counters clean and paint-free, and go to town.

And after awhile the kitchen table starts to look a little more decorated!

Of course, the blog mascot would like it to be known that he puts in a lot of time watching over the process and making sure I get things done right the first time. And he lets me know when I may be over-exerting myself by insisting I take breaks [this is usually expressed by extreme whining and bringing me toys… it’s a very effective method of communication].

My friend Susie’s grandma, Rosie, crocheted me this towel for Christmas [I love being included as a granddaughter…] and it’s turned out to be really handy as I’m constantly washing out paintbrushes and needing to dry off my hands. I thought she’d like to know it’s getting some good use. :)

And my favorite part of the process was reorganizing a few closets! Since going outside doesn’t seem to be in my future, I decided all of those coats hanging in my closet seemed like a waste of space. So I had a friend carry almost all of my coats and jackets to the portable closet in my garage, which made space for these closet organizers! They are supposed to be for sweaters and shoes, but I found them to be perfect for canvases and other supplies. And it left more room for jars of paint in my pantry. Or, I should say, it left room for more jars. I obviously need to get on the “more paint” part. :)

Oh, and about that no giveaway thing today…

Did I get you?!?!?!

Because I totally suck at this kind of thing in real life [the lie is always written all over my face…] and FOR ONCE I wanted to trick someone, instead of always being the gullible one who falls for everything! I’m wondering how many people will see the “no giveaway” and not read to the bottom… you all may have a better chance of winning today! :)

Here’s the canvas for today’s giveaway:

To win: leave a comment telling me if you’re the gullible one, or if you’re the one always telling the tall tales. [Only one comment per person please… the winner will be drawn at midnight CST and be announced in tomorrow’s post.] Good luck!